


The Crown Hangs Heavy On Either Side

by queerghostie



Series: Trinity [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alpha Alec Lightwood, Alpha Magnus Bane, Alpha/Alpha Relationship, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 08:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25347415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerghostie/pseuds/queerghostie
Summary: He’d been tryingso hard,all day to not cry. To not showweakness.But he didn’t have to do that anymore. Because he didn’t have to bestronghere, while he was with Magnus. His boyfriend. HisAlpha.Becausethatwas the crux of his issues. His attraction to Alpha’s and himbeingan Alpha.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Trinity [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835653
Comments: 11
Kudos: 177





	The Crown Hangs Heavy On Either Side

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whosmorales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whosmorales/gifts).



> Is this _the_ single most self-indulgent thing I've ever written? Yes, yes it is. _Everything_ I write is self-indulgent, but _this_ takes it. 
> 
> I don't think that it totally makes sense in the A/B/O world for Magnus and Alec to not have the same secondary gender. Alec, canonically, is a gay man in an society that oppresses difference, and has most definitely dealt with internalised homophobia - as most of us do when we're figuring out our sexualities - and so having him be an Alpha, and Magnus an Omega (or vice versa), doesn't quite click for me. I'm not opposed to it, I just think that it makes more sense for _both_ of them to be Alpha's, or both Omega's, and I personally am fascinated by the complexities that arise with an A/A or O/O pairing. 
> 
> This story deals with Alec's mental health/mental state, and has been tagged accordingly, so please read with caution if any of what has been tagged can potentially trigger you. I poured a lot of myself into the way Alec deals with things, and some of it is based off of my own mental health issues, but it's still fictional, so take it with a grain of salt.
> 
> \---
> 
> Title Credit - _Far Too Young To Die_ by Panic! At The Disco
> 
> Big thanks to whosmorales who Beta read this for me - I love you, bestie <3

_ “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. _

_ Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” _

_ \- Martin Luther King Jr. _

* * *

By the time Alec made it to the loft, he felt awful. Much worse than when he’d left the Institute. Physically, at least, he was okay, but it didn’t make a difference. Today was a Bad Day. Bad Days were nothing to be ashamed of, Alec knew that -  _ everyone  _ had Bad Days - but he couldn’t help the twisting in his gut that was there  _ because  _ it was a Bad Day. Because he wasn’t supposed to have Bad Days. He was the Head of the New York Institute; he was an  _ Alpha -  _ how could he lead his people, how could he keep them safe, when he’d hidden himself away in his office, using everything he had to stop himself from crying all day?

“Alexander,” Magnus greeted cheerily. “How was work, dear?”

“Hi,” Alec said quietly, trying to smile.

It didn’t work, because the smile that had been on Magnus’ face dropped, his boyfriend hurrying over to pull Alec into his arms.

“Darling? What’s wrong?”

Alec shook his head and tried burying himself further into his boyfriend’s neck. He wished, not for the first time, that he wasn’t taller than Magnus. Because if Alec was shorter, he could nestle into Magnus’ chest, and he wouldn’t have to shut his eyes as tightly as he was doing. Because nestling into Magnus’ chest would be an easier way of blocking out how brightly lit the loft was and therefore be easier to ignore the headache that’d creeped up on him.

“Bad Day,” he said, wincing at how his voice cracked. Because it was so fucking  _ obvious  _ that he was on the verge of crying.

“Sweetheart-”

“Don’t,” Alec begged. “Please. Don’t. I’m supposed to be  _ stronger  _ than this.”

“Honey,” Magnus sighed. “You’re not weak because you had a Bad Day. We’ve talked about this.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t- I’m  _ sorry.” _

“Alexander-”

“I don’t wanna let you down,” Alec mumbled. “I feel like I am.”

“Oh, sweetheart,  _ no.  _ You haven’t let me down. You could never do that, angel. You’re so good for me, Alexander. I mean it, my love. You’re so  _ good.” _

Alec let out a choked sob, taking a long, shuddering breath. And then the dam broke. Because he’d been trying  _ so hard,  _ all day - all fucking  _ day -  _ to not cry. To not show  _ weakness.  _ But he didn’t have to do that anymore. Because he didn’t have to be  _ strong  _ here, while he was with Magnus. His boyfriend. His  _ Alpha. _

Because  _ that  _ was the crux of his issues.  _ Still.  _ His attraction to Alpha’s -  _ male  _ Alpha’s - and him  _ being  _ an Alpha. And how he’d been told his entire life that that was  _ wrong,  _ and, even now, six months down the line, he was  _ still  _ struggling with his internalised homophobia. Which led him to today, and days  _ like  _ today, when he’d wake up and just  _ know.  _ That he’d spend his day dealing with the sick, disgusted feeling in his stomach, the guilt clawing up his throat, and the voice in his head telling him he was  _ wrong. _

Wrong for wanting to be with another male Alpha, wrong for having a relationship with one, for  _ submitting  _ to one. Wrong for  _ loving  _ Magnus, and how much he craved the love Magnus gave him in return. Wrong for knowing how it felt to have a knot  _ inside him. _

And, yeah, he didn’t have to deal with the demons in his head alone anymore. Because he had Magnus, and Magnus loved him, and Magnus would always,  _ always  _ help him see that it was the demons that were wrong,  _ not  _ him. There was  _ nothing wrong  _ with him, he knew that. He  _ clung  _ to it fiercely. But the knowledge didn’t suddenly make everything  _ easy,  _ or make the feelings go away. It didn’t -  _ couldn’t -  _ stop the Bad Days from happening.

“It’s alright, angel. You’re okay, Alexander. I’ve got you, baby.”

Alec whimpered. Magnus had plenty of nicknames he liked to use for him, but not baby.  _ Never  _ baby. Because Alec  _ hated  _ it, and Magnus knew that -  _ respected  _ it. Which was why it only ever escaped Magnus’ mouth on Bad Days. Because Bad Days were the only days Alec would allow Magnus to use the nickname, the only days Alec could stand it. He didn’t know  _ why,  _ and he knew it made zero sense, but it just…  _ was. _

Magnus didn’t push it. Didn’t push him to work out why on Bad Days he liked how it sounded, when most of the time it grated on his nerves. He  _ never  _ pushed, and it helped Alec breathe just a little easier.

“Shh, baby, I’ve got you.”

“M-Magnus.”

“How long have you been feeling like this, my darling?”

“All day,” Alec admitted in a whisper. “Since I woke up this morning.”

“Oh,  _ Alexander,”  _ Magnus gasped. “Why, in Lilith’s name, didn’t you say something earlier?”

“I’m  _ sorry!”  _ Alec cried into Magnus’ neck. “I didn’t- I- I  _ tried  _ to. But I c-couldn’t get the words out, I’m  _ sorry.” _

“It’s alright, sweetheart, let’s get you sat down, hm? You must be exhausted.” Magnus led him to the sofa, helping him remove his jacket. He ran his fingers through Alec’s hair, the younger man leaning into his boyfriend’s touch. “When was the last time you ate something?”

Alec furrowed his brows. He remembered the pancakes Magnus had made this morning, and how he’d swallowed it down despite the ill feeling that only got worse as he ate. The sick feeling had intensified when Magnus kissed him goodbye, whispering  _ “I love you”  _ against his lips, and Alec had to force himself not to stutter or pause as he echoed the words back. It wasn’t Magnus’ fault, it was  _ never  _ his fault, but Alec hated the sadness that would travel to Magnus’ eyes - even if he wouldn’t let it show on the rest of his face - when Alec struggled to say the words back, because he still struggled to believe he was allowed to. Still struggled to believe he could have this, that it was  _ okay,  _ that he was allowed to love Magnus. It made the sick feeling  _ worse,  _ it made the guilt worse, and the last thing Alec wanted to do was to upset Magnus. To make Magnus believe he didn’t love him, to make Magnus  _ doubt  _ that, not that his boyfriend ever  _ did,  _ but Alec had learnt a long, long time ago that fear was rarely ever something logical.

So, as he had hidden himself away in his office for the day, the last thing he wanted was interaction with the Shadowhunters under his command. And that had meant Alec had eaten nothing else except the pancakes he forced down his throat that morning.

“Um… breakfast?”

_ “Alexander.” _

“‘M sorry.” Alec mumbled, drawing his legs up to his chest, hiding himself in his knees. Magnus sounded upset. Alec  _ hated  _ making Magnus upset.

Magnus bent down, pressing a lingering kiss to Alec’s forehead. “I’m going to make you some food, and you’re going to  _ eat it,  _ Alec,” his tone was firm, but there was a gentleness to it. A gentleness that Magnus reserved specifically for him. “Do you want some tea?”

“Peach?” Alec asked, reaching out to grab Magnus’ hand. “Magnus, I- I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Magnus squeezed his hand. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart, okay?”

Alec nodded, Magnus smiled, and some of the guilt clawing at Alec’s throat faded. He was okay; he was safe, here in his boyfriend’s loft, in the place Alec saw as his  _ home.  _ There was  _ nothing wrong  _ with him, he was  _ allowed  _ to be here; he was  _ allowed  _ to love Magnus; he was  _ allowed  _ to be gay. It was  _ okay.  _ He had known, realistically, after all that time spent being the perfect, stoic soldier, all the time he spent burrowing his emotions, all that time feeling like he was little more than an empty shell - all that pain and insecurity and  _ fear  _ wasn’t going to go away suddenly because he started dating Magnus. Six months of unconditional love didn’t just undo a  _ lifetime  _ of conditioning and self-hatred. But, slowly, things were getting better than they were before, step by step. Magnus made it possible to  _ breathe. _

“Alexander?” Magnus placed a plate of toast and a warm mug of peach tea on the coffee table. Alec’s  _ favourite  _ tea. “Do you want me to stay?”

Alec whimpered at the thought of Magnus  _ leaving  _ and grabbed his boyfriend’s arm desperately. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me.  _ Please.” _

“Oh, angel,” Magnus cooed, kneeling down beside him. “I’m not going anywhere, honey. I’m not leaving you. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me  _ here  _ right now - in the room with you. I know you need your space sometimes, on days like today. I should’ve worded it better, my love, I’m sorry.”

Alec could feel embarrassment burning in his veins. He overreacted sometimes - okay,  _ often _ \- but on Bad Days it was worse. Everything was muddled in his head on Bad Days. It was difficult to sift through all the nuances of the English language to figure out exactly what someone meant, as opposed to what his brain latched onto, what he  _ thought  _ they meant. Magnus wasn’t leaving, but Alec had heard the word, and it hadn’t mattered that Magnus meant leaving the  _ room,  _ not leaving  _ Alec.  _

Alec panicked, because he  _ always  _ panicked, but Magnus was  _ right there -  _ as beautiful as ever, his warm hands covering Alec’s shaking ones. Magnus would always be there, helping him through everything. Helping Alec navigate the complexities of years of anguish in his soul. Whispering sweet nothings, and the nicknames, and the  _ “I love you’s”.  _ Alec had never been so cared for in his life. He’d never been loved like Magnus loved him. It was intense, burning brighter than the sun could ever  _ dream  _ to, and it was a little messy, and far from perfect. But Alec was done with  _ perfect.  _ Done with chasing it and trying to adhere to it all the time in a thinly veiled attempt to please someone else. Because he  _ wasn’t  _ perfect, and that was okay - he didn’t  _ need  _ to be perfect. Magnus loved him anyway. Magnus had his heart and soul, he was  _ everything. _

Magnus Bane was Alec’s  _ world. _

“Magnus,” Alec could feel tears stinging in his eyes, blurring his vision - he didn’t know what to  _ do.  _ Didn’t know how to  _ think.  _ Didn’t want to.  _ “Magnus.” _

Magnus took the plate of toast, and sat on the arm of the sofa, Alec leaning into the older man’s warmth. Magnus tore off a piece of the toast, holding it to his boyfriend’s mouth. Slowly, piece by piece, Alec allowed Magnus to feed him, and when all the toast was gone, Magnus pressed the mug of tea into his hands.

“Drink up, baby. I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere,” Magnus said softly, pressing his lips to Alec’s.

Alec sighed into the kiss, his hands warmed by the mug. The mug was turquoise-blue, with a white handle. The design on the mug was a cartoon-esque whale in the colours of the rainbow pride flag, with  _ “Homosexuwhale”  _ written on it. Alec thought it was really cute, and it had become his favourite mug. Alec had never had a favourite mug before.

_ “Magnus?” Alec’s eyebrows were raised as he turned to face his boyfriend. “What…  _ is  _ this?” _

_ “Ah,” Magnus chuckled. “You found my brand new mug, then?” _

_ The mug in question was purple, and on it was a design of a whale in what Alec now recognised as the colours of the bisexual pride flag. Underneath the whale it read “Bisexuawhale”. _

_ “I thought it was cute,” Magnus shrugged. _

_ “Huh…” Alec chewed on his lip. “It is cute, I guess.” _

_ “You know,” Magnus began gently, “There were other designs I saw besides that one. Other sexualities besides mine. I could always get you one of your own, sweetheart. For your sexuality. If you want one.” _

_ Something warm settled in Alec’s chest as he looked at the mug, thumb rubbing absentmindedly over the design. It would be nice, he decided to himself, to have one of his own. He didn’t have a lot of Pride stuff, and what he owned stayed in the loft most of the time. So, yes, it would be nice to have one - to have something that could match something of Magnus’. _

_ He set the mug down on the counter, next to the mug he’d chosen for himself. The mug was another one of Magnus’, who’d accumulated a lot of them over the years, and even if Alec bought himself a new mug every week for the rest of his life, he didn’t think he’d have any chance of catching up with Magnus’ extensive collection. This mug had been a gift from Catarina a few Christmases ago: it had a cartoon drawing of a cat’s face on it, wearing a pair of the sunglasses, and on them was text that said “Cat Dad”. Alec had immediately snorted the first time he’d seen it, dissolving into such a fit of laughter that tears had run down his face. _

_ “Yeah,” Alec smiled brightly, spooning coffee into both mugs. “I’d like that.” _

“Sweetheart,” Magnus nudged Alec out of his thoughts. “Your tea will go cold.”

“Mmph,” Alec mumbled as he took a sip.

Magnus ran his fingers through Alec’s hair as the other man drank his tea. Neither of them spoke as he did, basking in a comfortable silence until Alec finished his drink and placed his mug back on the coffee table. Magnus was still sitting on the arm of the sofa, so Alec cuddled up to his boyfriend’s leg, hiding his face in Magnus’ thigh.

“I’m sorry for freaking out on you.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for, baby.”

“But I  _ do,”  _ Alec insisted. “You shouldn’t have to deal with  _ this.” _

“Alexander,” Magnus cut him off sharply. “Contrary to what you may well believe, I do  _ not  _ find you a burden.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t  _ have  _ to.”

“Magnus,” Alec lifted his head up to look at his boyfriend. Magnus had his eyes shut, and he looked pained. Alec swallowed nervously as he shifted onto his knees and tugged on Magnus’ hands.

Oh, how Alec  _ loved  _ holding his boyfriend’s hands.

“Magnus,” Alec tugged harder, trying to get Magnus to  _ look  _ at him, to no avail. “Please. Look at me.”

“Alec…”

A desperate, broken whine clawed its way out of Alec’s throat. “Alpha,  _ please.” _

Magnus sighed, his eyes still firmly screwed shut. “You’ve had a long day, sweetheart. You’re  _ tired,  _ Alexander. You should get some sleep.”

“You gonna come tuck me in?” Alec said jokingly, despite the fresh tears threatening to spill over. “Magnus, I- I’m not-”

“Not what, Alec?”

“I’m not  _ trying  _ to make things difficult. I’m  _ not.” _

“Oh, sweetheart,” Magnus cooed,  _ finally  _ opening his eyes. The Alpha smiled sadly, cupping Alec’s face. “I know you’re not, baby, I just-” he cut himself off with a sigh, and kissed Alec gently, who whimpered into it. “I hate seeing you like this. I hate it so  _ much,  _ Alexander. I wish I could take all that pain inside of you and make it all go away. I’d take it on myself -  _ all  _ of it - but I  _ can’t. _ I can’t do that for you, the one thing I  _ can’t  _ do no matter how much I  _ ache  _ to, and, for that, I am so goddamn sorry, my darling.”

“Alpha,” Alec whispered, leaning in for another kiss. “Even if you  _ could  _ do that, I… I wouldn’t ask that of you.”

“I know,” Magnus kissed his cheek. “Go get yourself ready for bed, sweetheart. I’ll be right there, okay? I just need to double check the wards.”

Alec stood up shakily and headed for the bathroom. He went through showering and brushing his teeth on autopilot, trying to make the tightly wound weight in his shoulders drop. By the time he made it to the bedroom, wrapped in a fluffy, cream coloured towel, Magnus was already there. The other Alpha was sat on the midnight blue sheets, devoid of that day’s makeup, jewellery free, and wearing a pair of purple boxers and one of Alec’s t-shirts. Still, to this day, Alec couldn’t help the fierce blush that rose when he saw Magnus in his clothes. It baffled him, really, how Magnus, someone so utterly, effortlessly, breathtakingly  _ beautiful,  _ could stand to wear his  _ ugly  _ t-shirt. It had been black once, but had since faded, and there was a rip in the collar, and a bleach stain on the hem that would  _ never  _ come out. However, Magnus didn’t  _ care  _ how horrendous the shirt was - it was  _ Alec’s  _ shirt, so he wore it.

It made Alec’s head spin.

“Hey, beautiful,” Magnus greeted softly. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better,” Alec nodded. “Not- I still feel  _ bad,  _ but… not as much.”

Magnus stood up, striding over to pull Alec into his arms. “That’s good, baby, you’re doing so well. Let’s get you into something comfortable, hm?”

“You gonna stay?” Alec asked, his voice small.

“Of course I am,” Magnus promised.

Alec let Magnus lead him to the bed and changed into his pyjamas for the night - black boxers and a t-shirt Izzy had gifted him soon after he’d come out. It was black, because his sister  _ knew  _ he had an aversion to colour - it was getting better though. He didn’t insist grey was colourful anymore, and he’d let Magnus slip different shades of blue into his wardrobe here and there, and Alec even had a soft jumper in a nice olive green shade now - but he still wasn’t nearly anywhere as colourful as his boyfriend, not that  _ anyone  _ could be as colourful as Magnus and get away with it like he did. His gifted t-shirt had the six coloured rainbow pride on it, with white text that read  _ “Kiss Whoever The Fuck You Want”.  _ It was so fucking  _ ridiculous,  _ and so like his sister, to throw caution to the wing and gift him something so…  _ not  _ him. 

Alec loved it.

He’d kept the shirt mostly for sleeping in, and lazy days around the loft, and that was okay. He was safe here. He could have this.

“Hey,” Magnus pressed a series of kisses to his face: both cheeks; his forehead; the space between his eyebrows; and finally his lips. “You’re  _ safe,  _ Alexander.”

“I know,” the younger man mumbled as he lay down on the bedsheets, Magnus following him. Alec exhaled as he curled into Magnus’ body, resting his head on the other Alpha’s chest.

Magnus had one arm around Alec’s body, the other petting his head the way Alec knew he did for Chairman Meow, but he didn’t care too much about his boyfriend petting him like a cat. It was nice. Alec needed sleep - by the Angel, he was _exhausted -_ he’d worn himself out, and on any other day this would be enough to put him to sleep. Magnus’ fingers running gently through his hair; Magnus’ warmth beneath him; silk sheets draped over the pair of them, Alec inhaling the scent of his _Alpha._ It should calm him, make him feel safe, comforted, _loved,_ and he should be laid on top of Magnus, his eyes drooping as he falls asleep. Sometimes Magnus would sing to him - his voice low - an old lullaby in his native tongue.

Instead, Alec was restless. Because today was a  _ Bad Day.  _ And it was harder to sleep on Bad Days. He couldn’t drift off, no matter how much he  _ wanted  _ to, no matter how  _ tired  _ he was. It was like whatever switch in his brain that let him sleep wouldn’t budge, he  _ couldn’t  _ switch off, and Alec was left pondering how Magnus could stand it. Because Alec got antsy, and he  _ wriggled,  _ and if Alec was Magnus, it would’ve irritated him to no end.

“Alec,” Magnus whispered. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what to say,” Alec idly traced patterns on Magnus’ stomach. “Nothing… I don’t know  _ why  _ I feel like this sometimes, not really. I don’t  _ want  _ to.”

“I know, sweetheart.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec swallowed. “For having days like today, and- I know it’s not my  _ fault,  _ but… it isn’t yours either. And I don’t want you to feel like it is, you know? I don’t want… I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t love you.”

“Alexander, I know you love me. I’m never going to doubt that, okay? It’s not something you need to  _ prove  _ to me, sweetheart,” Magnus said gently.

“I don’t deserve you.”

Magnus chuckled. “Alexander, I’m pretty sure  _ I  _ am the one who doesn’t deserve  _ you. _

“You’re amazing, though,” Alec mumbled into the fabric of Magnus’ - his - t-shirt.

“As are you.”

“Alpha,” Alec sighed. “My Alpha.”

“Yeah, sweetheart, I am. Your Alpha. And you’re mine.”

“I love you, Magnus.”

“I love you too, Alexander.”

There was still a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, still guilt trying to claw at his throat, still a voice in his head yelling  _ wrong -  _ but it had lessened. He didn’t feel the sick twisting in his gut or the guilt as intensely as he had, and the voice was drowning in favour of a new voice: warmer, gentler, that was reminding him he was  _ loved.  _ Alec knew, in the morning, things would be better. He’d wake up happier, and pull his boyfriend on top of him, feeling Magnus’ solid form pressing  _ down. _ And Alec would whine into his Alpha’s mouth until he couldn’t bare it, and he knew where things would go. Knew how they got around each other. Alec would beg - beg for more, for  _ Magnus,  _ beg to feel him inside. Beg for his boyfriend’s fingers, his cock, his  _ knot.  _ Beg for Magnus to press deep inside, pressing up against that sweet spot just  _ so,  _ and make Alec see stars.

For now, though, this - Alec cuddled up to his Alpha’s side, held so lovingly, as Magnus pressed a kiss to his head and told him how much he loved him - this was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is the first part of a series, and I'm working on the second part that'll be up soon (hopefully.)


End file.
